A Different Perspective

Recently, a very good friend of mine from high school read my blog for the first time. She loves Taco Bell and had intended to just glance at it one evening whilst at home. Alas, she found herself compelled (understandably) to go back to the very first post and start reading from the very beginning. It turned into a night of fun, I believe. How could it not?

I asked Michelle if she had any stories about Taco Bell that I should relay as this blog loves a testamonial.

Here is her reflection:

I don't know that I have taco bell "stories" but I did notice that my Taco Bell experience is very different than your own. Reason #1 I rarely, if ever, use any of the sauce. I'll sometimes ask for it just to spice things up a bit but I'll only use it for a couple bites than stop. Reason #2 I never get the bean burrito. My main choices are a nacho bell grande, mexican pizza, and sometimes a burrito supreme, depending on my mood. As of recently I'll get the crunchwrap. I also almost always get a "meal deal" because I love nothing more than taco bell with a massive fountain mt. dew and I like to get that extra taco that comes with it, almost like a dessert. Considering I can't drink caffeine after about 1 in the afternoon without being awake all night, my taco bell dining is usually during the lunch time hours.

..which brings me to something else I'd like to note. In one of your blogs, someone mentioned that they don't like to eat taco bell in food courts because they don't like seeing and smelling the other food. I could not disagree more. I actually feel bad for the people eating other things and assume they are jealous of my eating Taco Bell (I woudl be if I were them) so I end up enjoying it more. On many 'o lunch breaks I went to the food court with then intention of getting something non-Taco Bell but if I see it, I eat it.

In conclusion, even though our taco bell experience is different, this almost proves how wonderful taco bell really is because it can satisfy so many different desires. We all end our consumption with a sense of satisfaction and a little glint of happiness for the next time.


I love it! Michelle's conclusion is the very foundation of this blog: that a love/devotion for Taco Bell is universal.

At Last...

This past weekend I finally tried the Cheesy Gordita Crunch! We'll call it CGC. I know that as a long time advocate and blogger of Taco Bell that this event should have taken place a long time ago. Again and again, my apologies--to taco bell, myself, and my readers.

It was delicious. So delicious that I went back for a second.

So delicious that I had a dream about it:

I don't remember anything that happened in the dream and didn't remember this piece of the dream until relaying my Sunday visit to Taco Bell. In this dream, I had ordered the CGC and unwrapped it to find that there was NO cheese between the gordita tortilla and the taco shell. I was confused, devastated, heartbroken, etc etc. That's all I remember.

Sad that I had this dream, sad that the dream was sad, not sad that Taco Bells are still carrying the CGC despite its claim that it would be a limited time offer ending on November 19. However, it was NOT on the menu so don't be fooled. I also suspect that the suburban establishment which I visited might make allowments which urban Taco Bells do not.

Before a Holiday Blog Break, a KFed Update

In the news:

last night at the American Music Awards, people.com reports some KFed bashing:

Less fortunate was Kevin Federline, who was not in attendance but still managed to get attention – for all the wrong reasons. In a comedy skit, host Jimmy Kimmel took a fake K-Fed, crated him up in a box, and threw him into the ocean, calling him a "no-hit wonder."

KFed's attorney tries to convince the world that KFed is a stand-up guy:

Kevin Federline's attorney is denying reports that Federline is trying to sell a sex tape he allegedly made with estranged wife Britney Spears.

"There is not a sex video of Kevin and Britney in existence," Federline's attorney, Mark Vincent Kaplan, says in a statement issued Tuesday. "It goes without saying that the stories of Kevin attempting to sell such a video are patently false and anyone who reports that they have information of such attempts is either lying or reporting the lie of someone else," the statement continues.

On Nov. 12, the British tabloid News of the World reported that Federline, who is seeking spousal support and custody of his and Spears's two sons, was trying to sell the alleged tape and had already been offered nearly $50 million.

Spears, 24, filed for divorce from Federline, 28, on Nov. 7 after two years of marriage. The statement from Federline's attorney concludes: "It would be impossible to comment upon and correct all of the other misinformation about Kevin that appears on a daily basis and consequently no attempt has been made, or will be made, to do so. I hope that the public and media will keep this in mind before assuming accuracy of facts from Kevin's silence."

Letterman, as reported to me by my dad, does some bashing as well:

In response to his plan to sell a sex tape of him and his beloved, Britney is countering by threatening to release it for free. Letterman says that watching two brilliant strategists like this go at each other is like watching two monkeys play chess.

FKed on UK's Celebrity Big Brother?

Wednesday, November 22 2006, 10:07 UTC - by Ben Rawson-Jones

http://bigbrother.digitalspy.co.uk/article/ds10625.html

Britney Spears' estranged husband Kevin Federline has reportedly been offered £150,000 to appear on Celebrity Big Brother.

The Sun quotes an insider on the Channel 4 show as saying: "Kevin is hugely entertaining because he takes himself really seriously - even though no one else does. He’ll be great for the show because it’s all about larger-than-life characters."

28-year-old Federline has tried to launch a rap career under the name 'K-Fed' in recent months but has largely been met with critical and commercial derision.

Sometimes I Don't Understand Our Society

Case in point #1: the election of George W. Bush (I don't care if it was fraudulant. Still a mystery).
Case in point #2: Playstation 3

I don't know what this crazy Playstation 3 entails that it is the number one wish on everyone's holiday list, but I assume it involves playing games on a tv via a station. maybe it includes a dvd player and stereo and ridiculous number of other mindless things. I don't care enough to google it because I know I'll think it's dumb and another indication of the sad state of our society. I've formed an opinion and have no wish to change it. People have waited for DAYS outside stores, in the cold, to buy one of these things for $600-700. Yo, Sony, I know you don't want to make more product so that you can keep people talking about this thing for the entire holiday season and you love thinking about kids screaming at their parents everyday "I WANT A PLAYSTATION 3 AND NOTHING ELSE!" so that the parents will do everything in their power to get one because they don't want christmas ruined. But come on, just make more. You'll still rake it in. Why make people catch colds and take off work to wait for your stupid product for their spoiled kids?

Unless...unless these people are doing all this waiting for a Playstation 3 so that they can turn it over to Taco Bell's Foundation for at risk youth in return for a "lifetime supply of tacos." Yes, folks, this latest ploy is on par with Taco Bell's summer scheme to sell an engagement ring (complete with gordita) on EBay for this charity. And by "on par", I mean, really dumb.

Oh, apparently a "lifetime supply of tacos" is $12,500 Taco Bell Bucks. I would trade in a Playstation 3 for that. I'd trade one in for a crunchwrap.

Press Release
Source: Taco Bell Corp.

Taco Bell(R) Offers Tacos for Life for PlayStation 3
Monday November 20, 3:03 pm ET

Company Will Then Donate PlayStation 3 to a Boys and Girls Club Teen Center

IRVINE, Calif.--(BUSINESS WIRE)--Now here's an offer to play with: Taco Bell announced today that it is offering a lifetime of Taco Bell® food ($12,500 in Taco Bell Bucks) in exchange to the first person who agrees to trade his or her new PlayStation 3 Game Console. Taco Bell will then donate the next generation game console to the Stanton teen center of the Boys & Girls Club. Taco Bell and its Taco Bell Foundation supports teen programs nationwide through the Boys & Girls Clubs of America.

"The PlayStation 3 is on every teen's holiday wish list," said Bob Fulmer, Executive Director, Taco Bell Foundation. "That's why we're offering one lucky individual tacos for life in exchange for giving Boys & Girls Club teens a gift that will keep them in the game."

The tacos will be awarded in the form of $12,500 in TACO BELL® Bucks, redeemable at participating Taco Bell® locations. The party exchanging the PlayStation 3 is solely responsible for payment of all taxes, income and otherwise, and should consult with his/her tax adviser. Interested PlayStation 3 owners should send their name, email and phone number to tacobellnews@tacobell.com. The first person to respond, based on the time the email is received, and then send their PlayStation 3 will be awarded the Taco Bell Bucks. Offer expires December 1, 2006 at 6:00 p.m. PST.

About Taco Bell Foundation
The Taco Bell Foundation, a non-profit 501(c) 3 corporation, has raised more than $16 million to support teen programs at Boys & Girls Clubs of America since 1995 with the help of on-going customer, franchisee and employee donations. As the largest supporter of teens at Boys & Girls Clubs nationwide, the Taco Bell Foundation has helped develop Club initiatives to provide youth with support, mentoring, job training, and counseling to develop leadership skills, character and values. More than one million teens are impacted annually through these programs.

About Taco Bell
Taco Bell Corp., a subsidiary of Yum! Brands, Inc., (NYSE:YUM - News), is the nation's leading Mexican-style quick service restaurant chain serving tacos, burritos, signature Quesadillas, Grilled Stuft Burritos, nachos and other specialty items. Taco Bell serves more than 35 million consumers each week in nearly 5,800 restaurants in the U.S. "Think Outside the Bun®" and visit www.tacobell.com.

PlayStation 3 is a trademark owned by Sony Computer Entertainment, Inc., who is not affiliated with or participating in this offer in any way.

Fast Friends

So look who are reportedly on track to becoming BFFs. Brit is SO over KFed. She hasn't gone "out" since the marriage and babies. He's not holding her back any longer. Apparently the two children at home aren't either. This weekend, prior to hanging with Paris, she partied it up in Las Vegas with Mario Lopez of Saved By the Bell/Dancing with the Stars fame. He is gross. He cheated on his wife on their honeymoon. I imagine KFed did the same. Watch out, Brit.

But back to the topic at hand: Above we have to dumb as brick ladies who are forging a friendship which is sure to subsist on stupidity, dumb jokes, annoying giggles, bad boy crushes, and, best of all, Taco Bell. Stay tuned for pictures sure to be taken of these two and possibly Nicole, in the drive-thru.

Meanwhile, apparently KFed is reportedly so broke he's traveling in buses and staying at cheap motels in Miami (he didn't slum it in D.C. though)--so you know he's getting by on the taco supremes and 1/2 pound burritoes.

A Follow-Up and Another Odd Journalistic Piece

Per Letterman's Top Ten List last week, I mentioned a man who declared Taco Bell employees had put opiates in his tacos. He felt sick immediately, etc etc. Phillip Daggett is his name. Apparently, this was not his first ill encounter with a fast food joint.

Even if you don't care about about this Phillip Daggett and his fast food (and possibly drug induced) sicknesses because let's face it, it's not going to stop you from frequenting Taco Bell, you must at least skip to the last sentence. You might feel the need to then read the article in its entirity to look for a possible link of the newstory to this sentence. I am confused. If you can give clarity, please advise. If not, let's chalk this up as another example of journalism at its worst and then insert into this post all my bitterness about not having a career in writing while less talented folks do. (No great offense intended, Curt Brown).

Taco Bell customer has a history Fall River man filed a similar complaint against McDonald's
By Curt Brown , Standard-Times staff writer
FALL RIVER —
Phillip Daggett — who claimed this week he became ill after eating a drug-laced taco at a local Taco Bell — filed a similar complaint nearly three years ago, saying he got sick while eating at a Fall River McDonald's.

Janey Bishoff, chief executive officer for Bishoff Communications in Boston, said yesterday Mr. Daggett hired a lawyer, filed a complaint with the company and asked for money when he allegedly got sick in January 2004 at the McDonald's on President Avenue.

According to Ms. Bishoff, Mr. Daggett said he became sick after eating a pickle that was on his sandwich. Ms. Bishoff said Mr. Daggett had asked a McDonald's employee for a sandwich without a pickle. Ms. Bishoff said the information was relayed to her by the owner-operator of the McDonald's near the President Avenue rotary in Fall River. Bishoff Communications represents all McDonald's owner-operator franchises.

Paul Betor, owner of Betor Foods of Dartmouth, the owner-operator of the President Avenue McDonald's, was unavailable for comment last night.

Mr. Daggett returned a telephone call from The Standard-Times last night but, during the course of an interview, the phone call became disconnected. In an e-mail, however, Mr. Daggett declined to comment. "I do not want to talk to the media anymore as it has made things worse for me, it seems," he said.

Lt. Jeffrey Cardoza, public information officer for the Fall River Police Department, said last night police would have no comment regarding the development. There was also no immediate response last night from Taco Bell.

Will Bortz, a spokesman, was traveling and was unavailable for comment, according to Monica Hawks, a Taco Bell representative at corporate headquarters in Irvine, Calif. I

n a statement this week, Taco Bell defended its food preparation practices and said its franchisee would seek prosecution "to the fullest extent of the law" if the claim was "false" or "fraudulent."

Mr. Daggett, 27, said he became "light-headed" and experienced "some (stomach) cramping" after he ate tacos from the drive-through window at Taco Bell on Mariano Bishop Boulevard. He said sometime later he noticed "a white, powdery substance" on the half-eaten taco. He said he returned to the Taco Bell, and the manager said it looked like cocaine.

Mr. Daggett said he reported the incident to Fall River police and was treated at Charlton Memorial Hospital in Fall River. He said he was diagnosed with drug ingestion and tested positive for opiates. He told The Standard-Times he is not using drugs now nor has he used them in the past.

Mr. Daggett also said this week he has no interest in pursuing a legal claim against Taco Bell. He said he was purely concerned about his health.

Mr. Daggett was the bartender working at Puzzles Lounge in New Bedford on the night of Feb. 1, when Jacob Robida attacked patrons of the bar frequented by gays.


Huh?

Reason #87 Not to Build the Great Fence

So conservatives, minutemen, and aholes want the U.S. to build a 700 foot long fence between the U.S. and Mexico to curb the immigration problem. Let's try moving to the 21st century, folks. The concept is completely ridiculous--it's ineffectual and rude/condensending/ pretentious, etc etc.

So there are about 86 national reputational and obligatory reasons why we should not build this Great Fence.

#87:

I've often written of the superiority of Taco Bells on the West Coast, especially a lovely establishment in Santa Barbara, which, 3 years--almost to the day--since my eating there, still remains #1 on a very long list. A friend recently went to Phoenix and discovered the veracity of this theory for himself. More beans and toppings, better flavor--all in all remarkably better than the East Coast Taco Bells.

Obviously the East Coast and Midwestern Taco Bells are still delicious, especially those in suburban areas, but if ever one becomes desparate for a perfect combination of Taco Bell ingredients, (s)he best book it to the West/Southwest Coast. Presumably this superiority stems from the proximity to the Mexican border. The influence overfloweth the border. Thank goodness. But what, praytell, are we going to do when the Great Fence exists. WIll the Great Influence be as capable of overflowing into the U.S.? That is a big and long fence to overcome. I am doubtful. I am worried.

Our only hope: the Democratic Congress. So far, that still leaves me a little worried. Murtha? You serious, Pelosi? Get it together.

How Bad is Trans Fat?

You know it's bad when Taco Bell, along with numerous other fast food chains, ban it from most of their menu items.

My friend and trusty Taco Bell enthusiast emailed me this press release this morning:

Taco Bell to Stem Use of Trans Fats
Thursday November 16, 7:06 am ET
By Dylan T. Lovan, Associated Press Writer

Taco Bell to Halt Use of Cooking Oil Containing Trans Fats, Which Are Linked to Heart Disease

LOUISVILLE, Ky. (AP) -- Taco Bell will be the latest fast-food chain to cut artery-clogging trans fats from cooking oils in its U.S. restaurants, the company announced Thursday.

The nation's largest seller of quick service Mexican-style foods uses the oils to fry its nachos, taco salad shells, potatoes, chalupa shells and other items.

"This is something we've been working on for over two years, and we just believe it's the right thing and the right changes to make in our products," said Warren Widicus, Taco Bell's chief food innovation officer.

Widicus said the change means 15 Taco Bell menu items will contain no trans fats, including the Crunchy Beef Taco, the Taco Supreme, some chalupas and cinnamon twists. He said some items, like the Grilled Stuft Burrito, will still contain some trans fat.

Trans fats, which have been linked to heart disease, are being removed from many fast food kitchens nationwide as companies try to improve offerings to health-conscious diners. Wendy's International Inc. and KFC have already switched to a zero-trans fat oil, and McDonald's Corp. is considering the change.

Taco Bell is owned by Louisville, Ky.-based Yum Brands Inc., which is also the parent of Pizza Hut and KFC, which announced last month that it was switching to a non-trans fat oil.

Taco Bell said all 5,000 of its single-brand restaurants in the United States will change from a partially hydrogenated soybean oil to a trans fat-free canola oil by April. About 100 restaurants have already made the change. Restaurants that share a roof with another Yum-owned eatery, like KFC, will use trans fat-free soybean oil, the company said.

Taco Bell began searching for a substitute two years ago with blind consumer taste tests.

"We conducted a tremendous amount of consumer research to make this the right choice for our customers," said Emil J. Brolick, Taco Bell's president.

Widicus said the oil switch is the latest effort by the fast food chain to create healthier menu items. In 2003, Taco Bell began offering a "fresco style" option that replace cheese and cream-based sauces with salsa.

When eaten, artificial trans fats significantly raise the level of so-called "bad" cholesterol in the blood, clogging arteries and causing heart disease. Researchers at Harvard's School of Public Health estimated that trans fats contribute to 30,000 U.S. deaths a year.

"This is great step forward. It will make Taco Bell's fried products significantly healthier," said Michael F. Jacobson, director of the Center for Science in the Public Interest, a Washington-based nonprofit that advocates food nutrition. The group called for KFC to switch to a healthier cooking oil for its chicken in a lawsuit earlier this year. The suit has been dropped.

Taco Bell restaurants outside the U.S. are also considering a switch to a non-trans fat cooking oil, said Taco Bell spokesman Rob Poetsch.

The Food and Drug Administration says artificial trans fat is so common that the average American eats 4.7 pounds of it a year. Movements in New York and Chicago are pushing for a ban on trans fats, and New York's health commissioner has called them "invisible and dangerous."

Who Would Have Thunk It?

That last post was my 200th on this blog.

Just thought I needed to note that milestone.

I am not sure if the absurdity of this number of posts about Taco Bell (or KFed or the GOP) necessitates a congratulations but certainly an acknowledgment.

Letterman's Top Ten List Last Night

If you haven't heard the news--because I haven't mentioned it--earlier this week, a man in Massachusettes accused his local Taco Bell of adding a drug--opiates, most likely--to his taco. He felt all funny and stuff. No further conclusions have been reached, to my knowledge.

However, the Letterman staff jumped on this news, using it in last night's top ten list:

Top Ten Taco Bell Excuses (for said insertion of said drug in taco):

10. Drugs help hide the taste of coyote meat
9. Can't keep staff focused since the Britney/Kevin split
8. Hard to tell what customer ordered through cheap drive-thru microphone, am I right, ladies and gentlemen?
7. We need to hire more drug-sniffing chihuahuas
6. The drugs should kill the E. coli
5. No number 5 -- writer ate bad taco
4. He asked for a value meal, he got a value meal
3. Who cares? It's Impressionist Week
2. Accidentally gave the guy Rush Limbaugh's order
1. We were thinking outside the bun

Do y'all remember many years ago when Letterman worked at a Taco Bell drive-thru for some bits? It was possibly the best stuff ever on the show--I believe that's the #8 reference. And #9--gotta love it.

Speaking of KFed, as we always do, flipping through the tv channels last night, I caught Kevin on the Tyra Banks show. I hate her. I have never seen this show but my obsession with this guy forced a pause between channel flips. This interview was pre-separation/divorce/kfed telling all the world that he is single and looking for ladies. He said he and Brit are 4eva and that "i don't know why but we work really well together." I shed some tears and then had to turn it off.

Delicious as an Enchirito? Installment XI

I'll say he is.

And George Clooney has just been named People's Sexist Man Alive. Kudos, People Magazine.

George has staying power: the older he gets, the better looking he gets. Brad Pitt had that power before the Angelina phase. Now we just think he's a kid having and adopting-obsessed and Angelina-whipped ahole who left poor Jennifer Aniston for a woman long known for enjoying homewrecking.

But the thing about George is that he's terribly smart and funny and clever, too. Sorta like Bill Clinton only...well...hotter...and perhaps more genuine. Anyway, Ben Harper started this "Delicious as an Enchirito" segment of this blog and he's pretty much tied for the top spot in my celebrity list with George Clooney. But George isn't married so maybe he even has an edge on Ben Harper. Well played, George. Congrats on a post well-deserved. And yes, the humanitarian work you've done this year in promoting peace in Darfur is the reason your garnered this "award" so keep it up.

Okay, and I will admit something else even though it's a little personal: Monday night I had a dream that I was a gala. It was grand. Fancy dresses and tuxes abound. Truffles and bon bons aplenty. I don't know the purpose of this gala, but I do know that George was there. We met. We flirted. We kissed. For awhile. Seriously. No joke. (Okay, the truffles and bon bons were added for imagery purposes). So congrats to me, as well. George and I are having a good week. I'm afraid the enchirito doesn't stand a chance.

And if anyway fears this blog is going the way of a sole focus on celebrity discussion, do not despair. I am just taking a detour this week. It can't be helped. I will have the Cheesy Gordita Crunch before the week is over and that will set us off on a rollercoaster of infatuation and analysis for weeks, I am sure.

On Embassy Row, A Hotel Made for a Pimp

Having lived in D.C. for the past 4 years, I thought I knew my city fairly well--at least the vincinity in which I reside. Well, again, KFed has managed to surprise.

The Washington Post reported to day that KFed has stayed at the "hipster hotel Rouge." So I thought it my duty to report to y'all this information since yesterday I warned that you should stayed locked in your apartments until all threat of the pimpmaster himself had passed.

Well, my friends, apparently KFed's posse managed to find a hotel to fit his desires. I wouldn't have guessed it in this part of town--it's a little swanky, a little snooty, a lot not made for a white ghetto wannabe rapper. But he found his niche.

Check out the rooms. How many drunk ladies do you think he managed to bring back to this room? 0-1? How many did he try to bring back? infinite.

Watch Out Fellow D.C. Ladies

Well, folks, just when things in Washington were looking up, KFed comes to town. He is looking for ladies, preferrably drunk ladies, preferrably drunk ladies who are looking for a pimp. I am not going to pretend I know what this word "pimp" means in the white pseudo rapper world but no good connotations are coming to my mind. So ladies, stay out of the clubs and Taco Bells for the next day or two. I can't imagine what other venue he might frequent, but I am guessing the Smithsonian isn't one of them. Of course, he might think this "Mall" of which people speak is a "shopping mall" and let's face it, there are ladies at the mall. Nevermind, y'all best stay in your homes for now.

SO Many Reasons to Celebrate this November 9, 2006

Senator George Allen has officially conceded. Boo-ya. No more offensive and stupid football metaphors on the Senate Floor.

I am still in a bit of shock that the Dems didn't blow it. Or rather, I am surprised the Republicans didn't have some illegal tricks up their sleeves for this election. Maybe the scandal ridden Congress of 2006 finally convinced them to put their illegal ways aside for the time being. That's hard to believe. Maybe these tactics didn't work because after 6 years, Americans are finally getting a clue as to what the Bush Administration and Republican Congress have done. I am going to remain vague on what they have "done." I don't have time to list the atrocities. I am too busy rejoicing in the seemingly impossible. i LOVE it! I am not even going to dwell on how badly the Dems will muff up this power over the next two years. I'll save that for next week and the subsequent months.

So have a cheesy gordita crunch and margarita in celebration and a wonderful Veteran's Day weekend.

I have tomorrow off for the National Holiday. It's going to be Momcation in these parts. Anything can be a "cation" if you like. Since everyone doesn't have his/her mom visiting this weekend, I'll grant you all a Happy Wincation. Celebrate the election victories and think of Rumsfeld packing his office, muttering about the legality of torture and false pretenses for war and the goddamn liberal media.

An Update on Our Favorite Taco Bell Fanatic

Election reports and work have prevented me, til now, from blogging about our beloved KFed. He loves Taco Bell. Brit loves Taco Bell. We thought their marriage, based on this love alone, would survive any hardships inflicted upon it--i.e. stupidity, booze, cigarettes, sideways worn caps, really long shorts, corn rows, bad music, banishment to the basement, one half of the marriage enjoying the word "pimp" a little too much, etc etc.

But in news more shocking than the Dems taking over the House AND Senate (most likely), we learned this week that Brit has filed for divorce from KFed. Ingeniously, this couple is now called Fed-Ex. Hilarious. I love the combination of two names into one. The gossip media is so clever.

So Brit might finally stop getting pregnant, no longer producing kids that KFed hopes will work at Taco Bell. She appears to enjoy the single life, popping around New York in cleavage revealing attired, flirting with David Letterman.

KFed, meanwhile, is flirting with EVERYONE in Chicago. There are lots of women capable of getting pregant, and he's got to get on that list. So, from People.com this morning, check out this article about his "concert". Seriously, his terribleness, as reported in this article, miraculously managed to shock me, and that, my friends, is what we call truly terrible. Per usual, I've highlighted the most important/amusing/terrifying parts of the article.

Kevin Federline Parties in Chicago

THURSDAY NOVEMBER 09, 2006 07:55AM EST
By Lorna Grisby and Mark Guarino

If Kevin Federline is a man mourning the demise of his marriage, he didn't show it onstage at Chicago's House of Blues Wednesday night.

Playing the role of a rap Casanova, Federline leaned into the crowd to touch the hands of women who were reaching toward him. Several songs into the set, he referenced his breakup with Britney Spears. "Hey, I see a lot of fine ladies in here," said the rapper. "You know I'm a free man, right, ladies? You wanna dance with a pimp?"

Federline kept his spirits up throughout the performance before a standing-room-only audience (tickets were being given away free), though he addressed the "haters" from the stage, as a few audience members heckled him. Still that didn't stop him from getting his newly single status across yet again: "All my ladies," he said from stage, "I love you to death!"

After the show, Federline lived up to his party boy reputation, by stopping by the Chicago hot spot, Cabaret, where he arrived just after midnight. He was escorted to a VIP section where he chatted up his entourage and danced to the thunderous music – cigarette in hand – rapping aloud when his own songs were played.

People packed the small VIP section; those who weren't allowed inside crowded around it. Federline didn't budge from the corner he occupied until just before 1 a.m. when three fans, shouting and waving at him, got his attention. He declined their request to join them on the dance floor, but did sign the three CD jackets they handed to him.

"He signed my name wrong, but I don't care. Oh my God, I love him," said Colleen Harvey whose Federline autograph read: "To Kelly Thanx 4 tha support F--- the media KF"

Around 1:25 a.m., Federline took over the microphone: "Ladies if you're drunk, let me hear you scream!" he shouted.

Later he added, "I represent the g–damned West Coast." When the crowd thinned out, Federline ordered champagne for the DJ booth, drank Jack Daniels from the bottle and let friends try on his many gold chains.

"It's a party for K Federline. Gonna rock and roll," he announced.

After leading the remaining crowed in an expletive-filled chat against the media, Federline reminded everyone that he's unattached: "He said he's a single man. He's looking for ladies," Harvey said.

And now for some comments:

1. Who is Harvey? (possibly the wingman?)

2. KFed refers to himself in the third person.

3. KFed hates the media. hmm...

4. KFed LOVES the ladies.

5. KFed LOVES the drunk ladies more.

6. KFed is looking for ladies.

7. KFed loves his gold chains.

8. KFed does not drink his Jack Daniels from a glass.

Ways to Spend Election Day

Finally, the infamous November 7, 2006 has arrived.

I have to admit: I am excited. I know, I have been dreading this date a little for the past few months because, in part, I like hearing the polls and analysis. I don't watch enough tv to be terribly annoyed by the commercials and I don't live in a state so no one is calling me about issues and candidates. Mainly, though, I enjoy the anticipation of a possible change. After today, though, I'll have to say, well, maybe in 2 years...not unlike how I say every October, "well, maybe the Cubs will win it 'all' next year." right. right.

But the political atmostphere gets me anyway. I say I have no hope when, in fact, though I genuinely have very little, I do have an ounce or two that comes alive on these days.

and so today: how shall we spend it?

1. Voting
2. Glaring at people with "George Allen" or "Michael Steele" or "Bob Erlich" stickers worn oh so proudly on their blazers.
3. Eating well--because Election Day should be a holiday.
4. trying something new--like voting Democratic if you are a Republican and/or trying the cheesy gordita crunch if you haven't yet.
5. making a mental note: the cheesy gordita crunch goes off the menu November 19. another important date to add to the calendar.
6. listen to Wilco because a little Yankee Hotel Foxtrot will put your mind at ease, at least temporarily and because Wilco is so lovely that the only image which pops up on their homepage, wilcoworld.net, today is the above image. They are in the spirit. Please join them. I listened to THF as I cast my all-important votes in the District of Columbia this morning. It was exhilarating.
7. Avoid arguments.

And yeah, do anything else you want because regardless of the election results, Bush and Cheney will still be on the airwaves, reminding us to be very, very fearful for our safety. They will, per usual, fail to mention that the policies they've enacted and actions they've taken in the last 6 years are the very reasons for which we Americans are afraid.

Cheers.

A Cheech and Chong/Coedcation Memory

This morning, I listened to a mix I'd made a few years ago for a camping trip with some friends. Okay, "camping" is pushing it, probably. We camped at the Hershey Park campgrounds. We found a very isolated spot, somehow, though it was definitely family fun time camping--i.e. trailers, pools, kids screaming about chocolate (me), parents screaming at kids, few trees in sight, no walking trails, etc. Oh yeah, and it was July 4th so incorporate the holiday fun into this equation. But Sabrina thought we should see what this chocolate factory was all about and no one could argue with that.

The full camping experience, however, was not available. However, whilst in the car on the first day, we found a gem in Sabrina's car: a Cheech and Chong cassette. I can't describe the sounds other than terribly amusing: sounds that required us to blare the speakers with the windows down and look around to see how others responded to this techno hippie instrumental and sometimes lyrical music...or "music." Since we had this lovely soundtrack and the deep woods camping wasn't happening, we drove around the town of Hershey quite a bit. We went to Taco Bell. Twice. It was good. Surprise. We went to see the 3-D Hearshey movie. It was good. Surprise. We sat around the campfire while Fritz sang us ballads with guitar accompaniment and Sabrina's dance moves. We played with sparklers and were reprimanded by the "park ranger" who subsequently tried to befriend us. Not an easy task but made more difficult when he told us that the war in Iraq was cool and it would be fun to go over there and shoot people because, like the war, big guns are totally cool. That was not good. He and I had words. There was some awkward silence. He left. We played with the sparklers again. Peace returned to the campsite.

Anyway, these memories came flooding back to me this morning as I listened to this mix I made for the trip post facto. The post facto allowed me to put some sweet Cheech and Chong songs on the mix along with a few of the ballads Fritz had sung (including "Lady in Red"). Yes, it was a good commute this morning.

And now: the reason I write this post that thus far has not related to Taco Bell--with the exception of our two trips to its fine establishment in Hershey, PA.

Cheech and Chong has a song about Taco Bell. It's on the mix. It's fabulous. Here are the lyrics:

I was driving around in old Mexico,
I got lost and didn't know which way to go,
I was confused, it was late and I was in a fog,
I ran over the Taco Bell dog.

I felt that smush and I said, "Oh mama"
My low rider crushed that little Chihuahua.
I prayed for forgiveness in a Synagogue,
I ran over the Taco Bell dog.

If I am caught they will put me in a cell with 20 locks,
Unless I can pin it on Jack in the Box.
I'll be whipped, then beaten and then I'll be flogged,
I ran over the Taco Bell dog.

His last words were, "Yo quiero el mdico",
I flattened that pup, to Hell I would go.
I should of skipped driving and gone for a jog,I
ran over the Taco Bell dog.

I ran over the Taco Bell dog.

I ran over the Taco Bell dog.