Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Welcome Back!

So it's been awhile. I've returned from Ohio, brimming with reports. I haven't downloaded my pictures yet so for now i have to hold off on discussing my recent encounters with the crunchwrap.

that said, for today I will leave you letter a friend found on McSweeney's:

May 3, 2006

Hello, darling,

They tried to keep us apart, but true love can never be separated for long.

When I first met you, I was younger and more naive. I figured everything from Taco Bell tasted alike. They were all just variations of the same ingredients. How wrong I was. I tried you on a whim. You didn't seem like anything special. But you were new, and I was hungry. So I ordered you, oblivious to the delight you would bring to my inexperienced mouth.

It was love at first bite. (Pardon the pun, my dear—you have no idea the effect you have on my ability to articulate.) The second your tortilla met my lips, I knew there was no turning back. You had it all! In one compact package, no less. You had the flexibility of a flour tortilla, the firm crunch of a corn tortilla, the freshness of lettuce and tomatoes. Your patches of sour cream were necessary and well spaced. You had meat. Oh, did you have meat. And encompassing all of your features was that nacho-cheese sauce that I can't get enough of. Most importantly, you catered to my obsessive-compulsive need to have my food be tidy. With all those messy ingredients, I could still hold you with one hand and drive with the other. No napkin needed. I could hardly believe how the stars had aligned to bring us together. It had to be fate, my love.

From that day on, there could be no other. You were my world. When I was hungry, it had to be you. But, as with any good relationship, I grew comfortable. Complacent. And (for this, darling, I hope you can one day forgive me) I began to take you for granted. You were always there when I needed you, and I began to appreciate that less.

I had no idea how deeply I had fallen for you until the terrible day came when you were no longer available. I stood in line, waiting patiently for you like I'd always done. But when I said your name, the cashier responded, callously, "Limited-time item, sorry." My eyes burned like fire sauce as I fought to keep back tears. I didn't even have time to say goodbye!

I would still go to Taco Bell occasionally, ordering a Spicy Chicken Burrito or a Mexican Pizza, but it wasn't the same, and I always thought of you. Only you, my love.

Then, just as I was beginning to accept that maybe, just maybe, you had really left me for good, you returned, as unexpectedly as you had entered my life the first time! I found out from a commercial loudly proclaiming, "The Crunchwrap Supreme Is Back!" I could hardly believe my ears. I wanted to rush out and buy you that second, but it was really late and I had to get up early the next day. But you better believe that the next day, when it came time to eat, I craved you. I needed you and I ordered you. Just seeing you again brought all the memories back. The way you smelled. The way you felt in my hand. And, most importantly, the way you tasted.

That first bite, after the long separation, was the closest to heaven that I'll ever be. Darling, I missed you, and I promise I will never take you for granted again. Please don't ever leave me. I'm nothing without you.

All my love,

Roxanne Paris

It's a touching letter, isn't it? I felt her tears of hot sauce stream down my face as I imagined the heartbreak she must have encountered upon realization that the crunchwrap was no more. See, I never had this experience. I rarely strayed from the bean burritoes until this year when the beauty of the crunchwrap managed to catch my attention and hold it until I had no other choice but to order it.

But I do feel the need to contact this Roxanne Paris (that can't be her real name, can it?). How does she eat the crunchwrap while driving? Honestly, it calls into question her entire devotion to the crunchwrap. I can imagine someone loving the crunchwrap as much as she does, but when she lies about how she eats it, I have to wonder: Roxanne, are you a lying crunchwrap whore? Unless...unless she has had so many crunchwraps in her life that somehow she has learned how to eat them onehanded. I think I've finally got a good grasp on eating them so it doesn't end up all over my face, hair, lap, etc., but I never thought about attempting anything more ambitious than that. And I might add, she's never had a crunchwrap like the one I had in Mt. Vernon, Ohio this past Sunday. It was the biggest one I'd ever seen/eaten. There's a reason for that, though...a explanation and story to follow. It's a good one. May it keep you on your tacotoes til I have the opportunity to tell y'all.


Blogger anne altman said...

crunchwraps come in different sizes?

10:01:00 AM  
Blogger Liz said...

not normally. only when they attempt to make up for a huge mistake. are you on the edge of your seat or what?

10:21:00 AM  
Blogger wilco1014 said...

I don't think there is anyway this woman could drive and successfully eat the c-wrap. No way. She lies. I mean, part of successfully eating the crunchwrap is the ultimate enjoyment I get from every SAUCE filled bite. Roxanne cannot be eating this with sauce (which is a travesty and against the rules) and driving.

While I think she likes the crunchwrap, I refuse to believe the deep devotion she professes to the crunchwrap is real. If it was real, she would have wrecked her car a billion times a la Jack White and Renee Zellweger. This is the kind of pleasure crunchwrap provides to those who truly love it. Either, Roxanne is pulling over and eating her crunchwrap in her car and confusing that with actually driving the car or she doesn't love crunchwrap like we do.

11:00:00 AM  
Blogger Ashley said...

I'm so hungry.

11:49:00 AM  
Blogger Liz said...

well said and analyzed, wilco1014! i esp enjoyed the jack white reference. and yes: what about the sauce?

1:24:00 PM  
Blogger Roxanne said...

Hello Liz,
At work, I got so bored that I Googled my name and imagine my surprise and excitement when I found that you had referrenced my McSweeney's letter on your blog. I was flattered for 30 seconds until I got to the question "roxanne, are you a lying crunchwrap whore?" I'm not sure how my devotion to the crunchwrap would be lessened by the fact that I eat them while driving. Yes, I am in fact so skilled that I can eat them one handed. I've had practice. I'm from Northern VA and can drive with my knees if I have to. And I do, for the crunchwrap. I don't use the sauce for the simple reason listed in the letter. All the flavors combined create such a harmony that I feel sauce only messes up a good thing. Sooo to set the record straight, yes that's my real name and no I'm not a lying crunchwrap whore.

happy crunching,

12:05:00 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home